I won’t fall in love with you right away. No, I will fall in love with you gradually, I will fall in love with the little things. Like the way you sometimes laugh in the middle of a kiss and look at me like you can’t believe what’s going on. Or the way you stretch out in your still clouded dream state and pull me close to you like you can’t hold me close enough. Or simply the way you look at me when we laugh; laughing with you is my favorite.
It is like looking directly at your core and seeing how vulnerable you truly can be; laughing with me but hoping not to break your heart. But what you don’t know is that it could never break your heart, because that’s the best thing about you.
I remember the day you asked me about my favorite things before listing yours. You said these were your only deciding factors. They were out of place and nothing like what I expected, but they were yours, they were part of you, they made you who you are. Opening up to reveal your vulnerabilities says a lot about you. I’ve always seen the fierce uniqueness burn in you, but your list has illuminated it even more. I got hooked.
What I wanted you to see so much is that I am the girl who will be there for you when you need to remind you how awesome you are, because life has convinced you otherwise. The girl who will appreciate spending time with you, simply because it’s an opportunity to be around you. I’m the girl who’ll make you homemade chicken noodle soup from scratch when you’re not feeling well. I’m the girl who will believe you when you say you want to “take it easy” to give us a chance to have something real. But I am also the girl who will defend herself instead of being trampled on.
I believe that no answer is sufficient. Aren’t you important enough to justify a quick and easy text message by saying you’re not willing to go out? I am not important enough to stay and ask myself where I am going, because the answer is clearly a resounding “nowhere”. It resonates in the walls built by the silence it took so many weeks ago. I finished waiting for an answer, convincing myself that somewhere, even in the back of your mind, there is a thought in me that resonates like someone tapping a fingernail on a crystal glass. A clear sound that spreads in front of your consciousness and reminds you that I am waiting … but I will not stay anymore.
I deserve to be happy … but so are you. Waiting for something to never happen only promotes life stagnation, progress, stops the future and what you have in store. What many others of our time forget to remember is this: love is not simply choosing to spend your life with someone. It’s waking up every day and making the daily decision to spend the rest of your life with them. Love is not passive, it is an action, a daily choice. It is perpetual.
But the most important type of love is the one we most often neglect: self-love. I’ve given up on this in my desperate search for your love, and I’ve lost sight of who I am and what makes me happy. So, instead of sitting around waiting for a text message from you that probably never comes, I choose myself every day. Wake up and remind myself that I am as strong and lovable as I wanted to love you. Someday I’ll get that kind of love from someone else, someone who can allow me to love him.
And since I know you will never read this letter, I hope that someone, somewhere, can learn from my doubts and at least love themselves again. I hope it as much for a stranger as I hope it for you. But I also hope you remember being forgotten, like me, by so many potential lovers before me. Please, he loves yourself again
Dear reader, you are beautiful, extraordinary and worthy of so much love. Please never forget that … but if you do, I hope you also remember to love yourself first. Because nothing will make you happier than doing what’s best for yourself. Be happy. Be free. Beloved.